#isaac says things related to his writing again

[avocado-frog]

*rubs hands together as i prepare to begin writing the saddest worstest chapter in my whole career*

[crystalkitty1220]

Man I wonder where the leader of the fear realm could've gone, it's alMOST LIKE NEVIN HAS AN

[wlntrsldler]

Hi!! For ur song challenge could you write cinnamon girl with Jamie Tartt 🤍

cinnamon girl | jamie tartt

based on the song cinnamon girl by lana del rey

description: your ex did a number on you. now you're letting the ghosts of your past control your relationship with jamie.

pairing: jamie tartt x f!reader (she/her)

warnings: language-- it's ted lasso, what did you expect?; sad!jamie, insecurities, miscommunication-ish, emotionally abusive ex

word count: 4.2K

ted lasso requests are open | main masterlist

In your last relationship, your ex constantly made you feel replaceable. At first, it started out as snide remarks from his friends that he laughed at, never once defending you or your relationship. 

“Oh, Y/N, be careful with that one, nobody can tie him down.” 

“He’s slippery, girl. Keep an eye on him.” 

“You’re his girlfriend? Wow, props to ya. I couldn’t ever commit to someone like him.” 

You tried to brush it off, ignoring the sting of his laugh after each comment. He didn’t even deny it. And the worst part? He would make comments comparing you to his exes even without the presence of his friends. You knew how he was. When you first met him, it wasn’t lost on you how he flirted with everyone and everything that would let him. You knew he had history, which you’d later on find out was not history, but more of an ongoing thing, with the people in his inner circle. 

You felt stupid for staying in that relationship for that long. You knew what he was doing and what he was saying wasn’t okay, but you had been stuck in the cycle for so long that you were convinced that nobody else would put up with you the way he does. That was until you accepted a job as a Business Relations Assistant at AFC Richmond. 

It was weird at first to be surrounded by strangers who cared more about your well-being than your partner of a year and a half did. Since Higgins introduced you to the crew, you received “How ya doing, Y/N?” in passing from Sam, hugs as a form of good morning from Dani, and the occasional grunt– complimentary, not derogatory– from Coach Kent. It was simple, little things, but these moments of care and acknowledgment came without an expectation of something in return. They simply wanted to make you feel welcome.

Your love life before dating Jamie was a mystery to the team, Jamie included. They didn’t even know that you were dating someone for so long until Keeley came into the locker room to tell the boys to be extra kind to you since you were going through a breakup. Shaking off their initial shock, the team agreed to shower you with love when they saw you after Isaac gave them an aggressive in tone, yet filled with flowery words about how you were a great addition to the team, pep talk. 

By this point, you and Jamie had built a solid rapport, somewhere between acquaintances and friends. You were courteous when you’d run into each other at Nelson Road, even walking side by side until your paths diverged, often talking about the lovely, or horrific, weather you were having. During bus rides to games, he would sit on the window seat beside Sam, in front of you, and would always ask you to be the tie-breaker for one of his many ridiculous polls. You’d always end up siding with him, not because you agreed, but because Jamie grins up at you like he just won the lottery. Even though you didn’t agree that burgers were better than pizza, you’d say they were just to be on the receiving end of one of Jamie Tartt’s award-winning smiles again. 

It took you a while to open up to people again. Your life revolved around your partner and that meant that many of the friendships you had faded in the background while you were with him. But after the breakup, Keeley and Rebecca played a huge role in helping you step out of your comfort zone. They listened to you talk about your relationship as often as you wanted until you were out of words and out of cares. These talks would happen over a glass (or ten) of wine in Keeley’s living room with some sappy romantic comedy playing on mute in the background. For the most part, you had forgotten about your ex. Soon enough, you were saying yes to invites from Isaac or the coaches for team outings.

That’s how you found yourself kissing Jamie Tartt on your front porch after a night at Ola’s. 

When you pulled away, a goofy smile plastered on your face, you saw Jamie’s flushed cheeks that he tried to hide by pretending to cough into his elbow. You shoved his shoulder playfully, unsure if this was just a cruel dream that you’d have to wake up from soon or if this was real life. 

Jamie, who seemed to be thinking the same thing, realized that this was real life when your hand met his shoulder. Feeling more confident, he placed his hands on your hips and pulled you closer once more. He whispered against your lips, “Been wantin’ to do that for a while.” 

“Yeah?” You asked in shock. You would’ve never guessed that Jamie liked you in that way. “I never noticed.”

“Sam was right,” he chuckled, shaking his head that he was bringing up his teammates while he was inches away from a pretty girl’s face, but he knew he had to tell you this so you knew how serious he was about you. You weren’t just a one-night stand and this wasn't an "I had too many drinks tonight," mistake. “I’ve been flirting with you for ages. Sam said that you were oblivious to it but for a while, I really thought you just didn’t fancy me back. I’m really glad that I was wrong.” 

“I had no idea you liked me.” 

“Are you joking?” he scoffed, grinning widely. It was the same smile he shared with you on many bus rides. “Why do you think I always ask those stupid questions on the bus? I couldn’t give two shits about whether or not the team preferred Chinese or Italian food, or if they put both socks on first and then their shoes, or one sock and one shoe at a time. I only made those up so I had an excuse to talk to ya. Have a whole notes app full of questions and everything.” 

You threw your head back laughing, imagining Jamie deleting questions that he already asked you. You wrapped your arms around his neck, “You could’ve just talked to me, you know.” 

“Yeah, but you make me nervous,” he blushed, the tips of his ears turning bright pink. “You’re really pretty and proper fit. Plus, you never call me stupid even when my questions are fucking dumb. You’re always so nice to me and you’re loads of fun.” 

You cocked an eyebrow, trying to make sense of the situation. Jamie Tartt was nervous to talk to you? “Jamie, you do realize you’re a world-class footballer, right? Like rich and famous and can get anyone you want?” 

“That don’t matter to me,” he said, shrugging. “Want you, that’s all.” 

It was a strange feeling to hear that from him. You haven’t been wanted in a long time, at least not like this, not in the way that Jamie was looking at you like you are somehow the most incredible thing he’d ever have the privilege of getting to see. He looked at you like he was thanking whatever deities were responsible for reincarnation for allowing him to experience you in this lifetime. If the next fifty lifetimes were filled with nothing but suffering for him then so be it, as long as he had you in this one. You haven’t been wanted this purely before– wanted for who you are and not for what you can offer, not for the potential of what you could be. 

You kissed him again. 

Six months after your first kiss, you and Jamie were going strong. So far the relationship has been a secret to the public and the media. The team, though, found out a month into your relationship when Jamie got injured during training and you ran out of your office onto the pitch, ignoring Beard’s confused remarks as you sped past him. 

Jamie was lying on the pitch, forearms covering his eyes, trying not to think about the shooting pain from his ankle. You shoved Jan Maas and Richard away from Jamie, which made them protest, but quickly understood why you were in such a hurry to get to Jamie. You kneeled beside him, running your fingers through his hair. 

“Hi, baby,” you whispered, “You doing okay? How bad does it hurt?” 

He moved his arms at the sound of your voice. His eyes met yours and he immediately reached for your hand, threading your fingers together. “‘M okay, I think. Ankle hurts like a bitch, though.” 

You continued to tend to him as much as you could but quickly remembered that you two weren’t alone. Your eyes widened as you began to look around the circle that was forming around you and Jamie. 

“Fuuuuuuccckkkkk,” Jamie mumbled, realizing that you two now revealed your relationship to the team. He looked at you apologetically, “Sorry, bub.” 

“Oi, Bumbercatch!” The team’s attention shifted over to Isaac who had a smirk on his face. He held out his open palm, “You owe me ten pounds.” 

The team erupted in cheers, almost forgetting that Jamie was indeed hurt and would probably have to sit out a game or two. You looked down at Jamie and shrugged your shoulders, “Seems like they’re taking it well.” 

He laughed, propping himself up to sit up, “I’m glad we told them.” 

“Me too,” you replied, pressing your lips together. 

“I’m going to fucking gouge my eyes out.” You heard Roy say, though there was a hint of a smile in his voice. In sync, you and Jamie held up your middle finger in Roy’s direction, which earned the both of you a signature Roy Kent grunt in return. 

Much like your reveal to the team, your reveal to the general public was also just an accident. You were spending the weekend at Jamie’s flat as part of your six-month anniversary celebration. You just pulled up to his place, using one hand to unlock his door with the key he had made for you, and the other hand was used to carry in your large duffle bag. You heard him speaking in his living room and assumed that he was on a call with one of the lads. 

“Baby, I’m here!” You called out loudly, hanging your coat on his coat rack by the door. You walked toward his living room to find him staring at you wide-eyed, jaw hanging low. You giggled, “What’s wrong, love?” 

“I’m on Instagram live.” 

“Oh shit,” You mirrored his expression, facepalming. “I’m so sorry.” 

On Jamie’s screen, hundreds of comments about the interaction began to pop up. 

Holy shit???? Who was that?!!!

Jamie has a girlfriend!!!!! NOOOO THAT SHOULD BE ME!!!!

Does that voice sound familiar to u guys? I think that’s Y/N, I recognize her voice from Keeley’s stories. 

Jamie looked at you, trying to figure out what the best course of action was. You tilted your head as if asking, “Should we just do it?” He nodded, a huge smile taking over his features. 

“Well,” he began. “Cat’s out of the bag, I suppose. Get in here, love.” 

You spent the next thirty minutes answering questions from his fans on Instagram live. Some of the team even joined for a few minutes to fangirl over your relationship in the comments which made the two of you laugh. The next day, Jamie decided that it was time to make your relationship Instagram official by posting a photo from your anniversary dinner. It was a picture that cut off right above your lips, still giving a hint of anonymity, although many people already knew. You had your glass of wine in a cheers motion with his own. The caption read: “just us two. happy six.” 

The picture got more than two million likes in the first hour and hundreds of comments speculating who the girl in the picture was. You decided to comment on the post the day after, hoping that most of the hype around it was calming down. You rolled over Jamie’s side of the bed, smiling softly as he slept peacefully. 

You commented, “just us two (and the entire afc richmond team, including the coaches and admin) (so really just us two and fifty people). love you beyond words.”

You stayed in your little bubble of love for the rest of the weekend. After your social media launch, you stayed off the internet until you got back to work on Monday. When you finally checked social media, you were surprised to find that most of the public’s opinion of your and Jamie’s relationship was positive. However, there was one tweet that caught your eye. 

“Y/N Y/L/N is strong tbh. If my partner had the history of Jamie Tartt, I’d sleep with one eye open to keep an eye on him.” 

You frowned. You knew Jamie wasn’t like that. He would never do that to you, at least not now. He talked to you about how he used to be before you met him. He talked about how shit of a boyfriend he was to Keeley, how he was too much of a prick to be friends with the lads, but he also talked about how he grew from that and how he was no longer that person. And you believed him. It’s Jamie, of course, you believed him.

But that didn’t stop those voices in your head from taking over. Voices that sounded an awful lot like your ex’s friends who made those sly remarks. Voices that told you that you were replaceable. Voices that told you Jamie could do better, that Jamie should have better. Voices that drowned out the loving words of your boyfriend who loved you so much it hurt. 

The distance started out subtle. It started with telling Jamie that you had to get to Richmond earlier than normal because you had expenditure reports to look over. He even suggested that he'd go to Nelson Road extra early for you, but you refused. He pouted but reluctantly agreed to let you drive yourself to work instead of him picking you up. Jamie was upset that he no longer got to spend his mornings with you, but he was understanding and knew that it was for your job. 

Then, you started cutting your kisses short. During date nights, which used to be filled with lingering kisses that were surely too heated to be deemed acceptable PDA, you started to give Jamie quick pecks on the lips before pulling away. He didn’t want to make you uncomfortable so he let it go and settled for the short kisses, even though it didn’t feel enough for him. Typically, you’d spend the night at his place after your dates, but recently you’ve been asking him to take you home, blaming the expenditure reports once more. Jamie, trying to be ever-so-understanding, drove you home, and slept in his own bed alone with a frown on his face. 

The final blow for Jamie was when you didn’t sit next to him on the bus to Tottenham. He sat patiently on the aisle seat, craning his neck up to see when you were coming in, as he knew you preferred the window seat. His eyes lit up when you entered the bus, smiling widely as you approached him. 

You refused to look him in the eye as you pointed toward the back of the bus, “Sorry, Jamie. Rebecca wants to talk about something so I think I’m gonna sit with her today.” 

“Oh,” he cleared his throat, trying not to show his disappointment. He didn’t want to force you to sit next to him. Of course, you were allowed to sit with Rebecca. It’s just that he missed you so much. He hasn’t seen you in a few days. You’ve barely replied to his texts. He felt like you were slipping away and he didn’t know what to do. “Yeah, yeah, ‘course. I’ll see you at the hotel, yeah?” 

You nodded, offering him a small smile. He smiled back sadly. When you walked away to sit in the back of the bus, Sam nudged him, asking him to scoot over so he could sit next to him. Jamie felt nauseous, and he blamed it on the fact that he hadn’t sat by the window in months, but he knew the real reason why. 

Throughout the entire bus ride, you kept sneaking glances at Jamie. You couldn’t see him too well being so far back in the bus. Rebecca, who was shocked to see you beside her instead of your boyfriend, was looking at you with a questioning expression. She closed the notebook she was writing in and crossed her arms. 

“Alright, spill,” she tutted, leaning back in her chair. “Why aren’t you sitting with Jamie? What has he done?” 

You shook your head, “Nothing. He hasn’t done anything.” 

“Then why do you look like the living sunlight was sucked right out of you?” You didn’t say anything. Rebecca sighed, rubbing your back comfortingly, “Whatever is happening. You need to talk to him about it. Nothing good is going to come out of you keeping things from him. Trust me.” 

You knew what Rebecca was saying was reasonable. It makes sense to talk to Jamie about things that were bothering you. The thing was, you had already convinced yourself that Jamie would be better off with anyone else but you. It’s not that you thought Jamie would ever cheat on you or compare you to his exes because that’s not Jamie. You knew this. But you couldn’t help but think about Jamie realizing he deserved better than you. 

It will only make things easier on you if you mentally prepare yourself for it. It was inevitable. After all, you were replaceable. 

By the time you arrived in Tottenham, you were feeling more anxious than ever. You knew you were sharing a room with Jamie as it became an unspoken rule since you first told the team about your relationship. You watched as Jamie exited the bus, trailing behind to create as much space between the two of you as possible. After Higgins distributed the keys, you took a deep breath and headed to the lifts. 

Jamie had gone ahead with Sam and Dani since you were standing to the side with Rebecca. In the elevator, Rebecca squeezed your hand in support and offered a kiss on your temple. When you arrived on the 10th floor, you waved goodbye to Rebecca and made your way to the room. 

Jamie was quietly unpacking his things when you walked in. He turned around, eyebrows furrowed and a frown tugging on the corners of his lips. You wanted to walk over and kiss the creases on his forehead away. He cleared his throat, “I can take the couch if ya want so you can have the bed. I know you’ve been working hard on those reports so you deserve a good night’s sleep.” 

“It’s alright, Jamie. I can take the couch. You have a game tomorrow that you need to be well-rested for.” 

“No, it’s fine,” he sighed, running his fingers through his hair. He sounded defeated. “‘M not letting you sleep on the couch. You can take the bed and I can just stay with Isaac or Richard or something.” 

“No, Jamie, this is your room.” You said, standing your ground. 

“No it’s not!” He exclaimed, finally reaching his wit’s end. He stared at you, a look of frustration and brokenness evident on his face. He dug the heels of his palms into his eyes, trying to stop the tears from breaking free. “It’s our room! And I just... I just don’t understand what I’ve done wrong. What have I done wrong?”

You took two hesitant strides towards him. Jamie looked at you, hopeful that you’ll touch him again, this time without him making the first move. He missed feeling you draw sweet nothings on his skin with your fingers. Or the feeling of your lips on his jaw as you try to wake him up in the morning. Or the feeling of your arms wrapped around him in a warm embrace. 

You stopped short in front of him. His heart dropped. “You haven’t done anything, Jamie.” 

“So why do you keep pulling away? I feel like I haven’t talked to you in ages. Like a proper conversation. I haven’t kissed ya in days and it’s killing me. I feel like I’m losing you.” 

It was then, with Jamie staring at you with pleading eyes, that you realized how stupid you were being. You ran to him, broken sobs escaping your body, as he stumbled back, unsure of what was happening. Jamie engulfed you in his arms, kissing your head as he tried to console you. You spoke into his chest, feeling the rapid beating of his heart, “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, Jamie.” 

“Hey,” he cooed, pulling you away. He led you to the bed to sit you down. You sat criss-crossed on the bed, wiping your tears with the back of your hand. You didn’t even want to imagine how much of a mess you must look like right now. He reached over to place a hand on your thigh, rubbing circles to help you calm down. “Why don’t you tell me what’s going on, hm? What’s the matter?” 

“I’ve been such a dick to you,” you confessed, sniffling silently. You placed a hand on top of his, giving it a light squeeze, “I’ve been avoiding you.” 

“Yeah, I gathered that,” he tried to joke, offering you one of those award-winning smiles you were a goner for. “But what I don’t know is why. Talk to me, please.” 

“D’ya remember when Keeley told you guys to be extra nice to me because I’d just broken up with someone?” 

Confused, Jamie nodded his head. “Yeah?” 

“Well, there are things I want to say to you, but I don’t really like talking about it. Took me ages to even open up to Keeley and Rebecca about how bad it was,” you trailed off, looking away. You suddenly felt so small under Jamie’s gaze, like you were unscrewing the top of your head to give him a full view of all the fucked up things in there. You felt so exposed, but you knew you couldn’t keep this from him anymore. It was affecting him now, too. “My ex, he used to do this thing that kind of fucked me up really bad. He used to compare me to his ex-girlfriends and it made me feel like shit. His friends used to make these jokes about how he was a playboy and would probably get tired of me soon or would make condescending comments about me staying with him because they knew nobody could really tie him down. Like I was stupid for being with him or something.” 

Jamie frowned, internalizing your words. He looked down on his lap, lip quivering, “You think I’m like that? Like I’m just playin’ with ya?” 

Your eyes widened. You quickly shook your head, “No, not at all! I just… I was with him for over a year and when you hear those things said about you enough times, you start believing them. I got in my head thinking that you could and should do better than me and it made me pull away from you.” 

Jamie remained quiet, but the expression on his face changed to a more neutral one. You continued, “I figured it would be easier for you to come to the conclusion that you deserve more than me if I gave you the space, you know? I was trying to help you realize that I’m replaceable, but it backfired on me because now you think you did something wrong– which you absolutely haven’t.” 

He sat there, not saying a word, trying to comprehend what you just told him. He blinked, “Babe, that’s absolutely mad.” 

You couldn’t help but let a laugh escape your lips as a teasing smile made its way to Jamie’s face. He followed suit before wrapping his arms around you and pulling you down to lie on the bed with him. He rolled the both of you over so he was hovering on top of you. Jamie nudged your nose with his, “Don’t get me wrong, your feelings are valid. I would kill that prick and his twat friends if you let me, but love, you are everything I’ve ever wanted. You are not replaceable to me.” 

“It’s just hard to hear you when there’s so much nonsense noise in my head, you know?” you whispered, holding his face in the palm of your hand. “Sometimes those pesky voices are just so loud.” 

“Well,” he got up off of you and propped himself next to you. He gave you a cheeky smirk before leaning back. Then in the loudest voice he could manage, he yelled, “I love you! I love you! I love you, Y/N Y/L/N! There is nobody else for me. I love yo-” 

Fearing that he wouldn’t stop anytime soon, you covered his mouth with your hand, laughing loudly at how ridiculous the whole situation was. Jamie’s eyes twinkled with something you’d missed over the last few days and the sound of his muffled chuckles was like music to your ears. You removed your hand from his mouth. 

“Loud enough, do ya reckon?” he joked. Then, he looked at you seriously. He inched closer to you, sighing in relief when you didn’t pull away. “But seriously, love. Whenever those voices come creepin’ back in, just let me know, yeah? Talk to me. I don’t think I can handle another day like that again. It was my own personal hell, to be honest.” 

You wiped the tears from your eyes and nodded. You placed your lips on Jamie’s, allowing your kiss to last as long as possible before you had to pull away for air. You snuggled against him, basking in the scent of his cologne. “I promise I will, Jamie. I love you.” 

“I love you, too.”

[slyandthefamilybook]

Noah's Spring Jewish Book Review

this isn't gonna become a regular thing, don't worry. I just need to gush some about these books. I'm gonna keep the reviews short too because who's got that kind of time!

So far I've read 4 Jewish novels this spring and I'm working on a fifth. We'll go in chronological order

1. Thistlefoot by GennaRose Nethercott

~ Two estranged siblings, Isaac and Bellatine Yaga—the grandchildren of the famous Baba Yaga—inherit their ancestor's chicken-footed house. They travel the country putting on puppet shows and exploring their own mysterious abilities, all the while trying to escape from a threatening figure known only as the Longshadow Man, as well as their own pasts. History relives itself in a book filled with magic and mystery ~

This book was so damn good. Every other sentence is tattoo-worthy and hits you like a sack of bricks. The characters feel so real and raw while also managing to fill out their respective roles with a sense of poetry. The book has a supporting cast of memorable characters and a sense of real danger throughout. Every so often the house will interject in a way that reminds me so much of my bubbe (עליה השלום). I've read reviews that said it dragged on a bit in the second act but I was enraptured the entire way through. It's also pretty gay, which I always appreciate. 10/10

2. When the Angels Left the Old Country by Sacha Lamb

~ An angle and a demon—best friends for 200 years—set out from their tiny Pale shtetl to America in search of a girl who hasn't been heard from. They're accompanied by Rosie, a spunky and fire-spirited girl from their shtetl desperate to get away and have an adventure in the far-off West ~

No book has made me feel quite so seen as this one. As someone who grew up Orthodox there's virtually no representation for people like me. The majority of Orthodox characters in media are trying to get away. None of them love it quite so much as I do, as much as the characters in this book do. From Little Ash tucking his peyot behind his ears like my older brothers used to to the angel waking up to daven shacharit. Sacha Lamb takes the brave stance of "what if Jewish theology is real, actually" and it shines on every page. The writing effortlessly intertwines spirituality and reverence with a classic Yiddish folktale. It's also pretty gay. 10/10

3. From Dust, a Flame by Rebecca Podos

Hannah, the descendant of the famed Rabbi Yehuda Loew, wakes up one morning to find herself transformed, her eyes turning to yellow slits. Her mother seems to blame herself without explaining why, and soon after disappears. After receiving a mysterious letter, Hannah and her adopted brother Gabe travel to upstate New York to meet their mother's family, to learn the secrets of her past, and of their own lineage ~

I'll start off by saying I'm not sure if I was the target audience for this book. It was good, don't get me wrong, but the writing wasn't to my taste. It was a little... blatant, where I prefer prose to be a bit more subtle. Again, nothing wrong with it, just not my particular thing. I definitely relate to Hannah and Gabe a lot, each in their own way. A lot of the book felt very comforting and familiar to me. The book is equal parts supernatural action and intriguing mystery, and keeps you engrossed til the end. It's also Extremely Gay 7/10

4. The Way Out by Gavriel Savit

~ Yehuda Leib and Bluma set out from their tiny Pale shtetl, each on a mission of the utmost importance. Yehuda Leib is looking for his lost father, and Bluma is running from Death. Navigating the Far Country full of demons, goblins, and angels, the pair fight their way through history and mystery alike, and prepare to make war on Death himself ~

This book. Oh boy this book. Where do I start? This book made me cry several times, which hasn't happened in over 15 years. This book said everything about death I've been feeling since my bubbe passed away (עליה השלום). This book genuinely made me re-think how I view G-d? All that and more in less than 400 pages. This book harmonized with my soul. This book changed who I am as a person. This book made me crumble to dust and then built me back up from scratch. 10/10

[smallnico]

can you tell esper is uhhhhh. ill?

got tagged by @beecreeper for the character insp meme! (check out his here!!) this was a lot of fun, there are a couple of honourable mentions i'll get into under the cut, along with some elaborations for the curious.

list of names, L > R 1: harrowhark nonagesimus -- the locked tomb saga 2: isaac -- castlevania (netflix series) 3: cole -- dragon age: inquisition 4: blackbeard -- our flag means death 5: (bingo free space) 6: seven of nine -- star trek: voyager 7: katya zamolodchikova -- real life / unnnhhhh 8: paul muad-dib atreides -- dune 9: maomao -- the apothecary diaries

1: harrowhark nonagesimus -- the locked tomb saga

if you've read the locked tomb, this one's pretty self-explanatory. but i took a lot of inspiration from harrow's grief-sodden religious zealotry for esper's pre-tadpole self, and i think about harrow the ninth every time i write from esper's perspective during the events of the game. it's the amnesiac goblin madness for me. esper would also absolutely put their bone marrow into a soup to kill someone if that was something they could do. they're extra like that

2: isaac -- castlevania (netflix series)

i just fucking love isaac, man. he's such a fascinating character, taken from a place of pain and degradation into the service of a mad god-figure hellbent on destroying humanity, then banished and forced to just. figure out for himself what he wants to do with his life. and it turns out that what he wants to do is relate to the hellbeasts he raises to use as soldiers, and let them try to eat strawberries and live in houses for a change, take a chance at living as something other than vessels of violence. i love him. that's really all esper wants, too -- to find a peaceful existence after a lifetime of pain and brutality and monsterhood.

3: cole -- dragon age: inquisition

cole is such a vibe. he lives in the attic staring unsettlingly at people and reading their minds and exhuming their pain so he can help them with it, including with his knives. he has that unearthly creepy vibe that esper projects, as well as their tendency to poke around in people's private emotions and their slight uncanny distance from human morality and ethics. making cole more human also ends up around the same for esper -- cole is never quite all the way there, but happy to be truly Among the people whose souls he reads and finally able to experience those things for himself.

4: blackbeard -- our flag means death

apart from the leather and queerness and propensity for violence, blackbeard was also a big influence for esper's journey from "yeah, this violence thing is fun for me, besides it's not like i can Leave this life, i'm stuck here so i might as well enjoy it" to "actually even though it's fun it's also exhausting and all i really want is peace. maybe even a monster like me can love and find a community that loves me."

6: seven of nine -- star trek: voyager

god, where to start? "i was a child who was raised to be perfect, my humanity and individuality were completely overridden and my very body was used as an object for unimaginable violence, and now even though i don't know how to be a Person anymore, i'm cut off from everything i've ever known and i don't know what to do." and now, like seven, esper is just trying their best to build a personality out of the leftover scraps they have with the help of their crew of misfits and weirdos. also, perpetrator trauma -- like seven, esper doesn't feel Guilty about their past actions, but it does haunt them, and they don't really know what to do with it. also, i didn't mean for the two images of esper and seven here to make them look exactly the same, but hey.

7: katya zamolodchikova -- real life / unnnhhhh

this one's more of a bit. i watch unnnhhhh with my wife a lot, and every now and again katya will just say something that makes us both go "that's esper-coded". she has that slightly imperfect balance of genuine darkness and unhinged silliness that esper also teeter-totters between, which results in a specific kind of charisma that you kind of have to see to understand.

8: paul muad-dib atreides -- dune

esper's pre-durge and pre-tadpole backstory draws a fair bit of inspiration from paul's narrative arc lmao. he starts out life as a male heir to a bloodline of female psychic specialists, trains with them, and ends up sacrificing his humanity to fulfil a violent divine path pre-ordained for him. real evil messiah hours. esper has way fewer qualms about killing from the start, and the match isn't perfect, but this is an inspiration, not a stencil.

9: maomao -- the apothecary diaries

another weird one, but probably the most purposeful inspiration on the board here. when i was first playing as esper and trying to sort out their personality, i was also watching apothecary diaries, and maomao's feline predilections and sense of mischief and flawless composure and cunning without ambition had me completely enraptured, so i thought, what the hell. she also shares some backstory elements with esper as the [spoilers] bastard daughter of a disgraced but extremely talented courtesan and a creepy war tactician. like esper, maomao just wants to keep her head down and make enough money to fund her special interests. they also both drink poison for fun (at least, esper does pre-tadpole). i think the main thing they diverge on is that esper thinks poison is for basic bitches.

honourable mentions

jimmy "pickles" hoffa -- jimmyhoffathecat

just look at him. that's an esper. photo credit here

tilly -- my parents' house

pretty self-explanatory for any cat owners out there. esper acts like a cat in general, but they specifically act like this cat. she's so influential and talented and perfect.

towa "murase" -- slow damage

this one is an honourable mention instead of being on the board because i didn't meet towa slowdamage until like 3 weeks ago (well after esper was already realized), but the two of them have so many specific things in common it's actually ridiculous. convergent evolution at its finest.

fenris -- dragon age 2

esper and fenris have very little in common story- or personality-wise, but i can't deny that he was a huge visual influence, especially for pre-tadpole esper. i mean, come on. look at him.

yelena belova -- black widow, hawkeye

i'm not much of an mcu person, but the concept of the black widows in general did influence a lot of esper's pre-durge backstory, and i like yelena. she's like a more charismatic and more down-for-murder natasha. she's not a specific inspiration for esper as a character, but they do have a rhyming vibe.

selcis aureus, umbras heltor -- exodusbound

hello, it's fantrolls! i disqualified selcis and umbras from the inspboard because they're literally other ocs i had a hand in creating, and a lot of the things they have in common with esper aren't public, but they both did (and exodusbound did in general) have a lot of influence on esper as a character. i can't help that i like themes of alienation and life persevering in spite of it all in my characters. art shown here by my wife barbelzoa!

espurr -- pokemon

literally a pokemon, not a character. special place in my heart though because i literally named esper after this thang when i first made them in the character creator. they just had the same dead eyed stare and psychic magic, so i went, yeah, that'll do.

thank you so much for reading this much if you did!!!!!

[bimrsadler]

Hello! I love your page. Is it ok if a ask for headcanons of Arthur dealing with a pregnant SO that had a miscarriage? It’s ok if you don’t want to though. I understand some people don’t like writing about this stuff, but thank you anyways

Love Anon <3

Arthur Morgan x pregnant SO/miscarriage headcanons

Warnings/tags: pregnancy, miscarriage, heavy themes/angst (doesn't go too in detail) allusions to Isaac, fluff

Notes: Thanks for the compliment! Not usually too big on writing pregnancy related things but hc's are a bit easier for me and writing a supportive Arthur is always nice. Also realized after writing this that I made it in the reader perspective - not just an SO, so I hope that's okay!

Arthur is no stranger to loss, having suffered greatly for his choices in the past — so this situation brings a feeling of helplessness that shakes him

Admittedly, he was anxious at the prospect of another chance at fatherhood but you remind him that he’s not the man he used to be

And his excitement of starting a family with you outweighs his fear

When he finds out about the loss, his first concern is you. He will do everything he can to make sure you’re okay; moving heaven and earth to get you any medical care you may need

If you’re safe physically he’ll work to support you emotionally, and he loves being there for you

He doesn’t feel eloquent or well-spoken (though you would disagree) so he mostly sticks to affection and acts of service

As a man who is already giving and helpful, his doting during this time will be constant. Doing any and all work/chores, bringing you tea and a good book, a favorite snack, having the dog or cat curl up besides you when he can’t; anything to make you smile

He will frequently find ways to touch you gently. Shoulder/foot rubs, a kiss on the top of your head, offering his hand to help you up

Mostly he’ll hold you close to him any chance he gets. He knows it makes you feel safe and loved, and in turn it makes him feel like your protector — the one job he feels good enough for

It also soothes his anxiety of losing you which after something like this — can be too much for him

But when you’re in his arms, it grounds him and reassures that you’re really there and really his

All of this to say, he will neglect his own well-being in favor of caring for you, because of this it can take a long time to process and actually feel his own emotions

He has a tendency to retreat inward and try to put on a brave face for your sake during hard times

You have to reassure him that it’s not necessary and would much rather he let it out, or at least find ways to cope that are helpful for him

He does know he can be vulnerable with you though, and with time, relaxing his tough facade comes more naturally to him

Although he’s no stranger to loss, he feels like it’s something he can get through with you by his side

He would never put any pressure on trying for a baby again, but would consider trying if you wanted to

He could also accept if it wasn’t in the cards and easily find happiness in just the two of you. At the end of the day he’s just grateful that you’re safe and healthy

[yanderepuck]

Au where everything is the same except mc got an underfunded American public education.

This doesn't mean that mc is a dumbass, it just means that the school didn't care and did the bare minimum, and history is at the bottom of the core classes.

Mc: so you.. are... Leonardo

Leonardo: yes

Mc: di Caprio

Leonardo: da Vinci

Mc: I know I've heard that somewhere

She knows names and that might be it. She's confused every time she sees Napoleon because all she ever heard was that he was short so she was expecting this man to be about 5ft tall

Mc: I don't know a Mozart, but I do know of this chocolate called Mozart balls an-

Mozart : *already walking away* never speak to me again

She's LITERALLY never heard of Dazai. Nothing. Not even what he wrote.

Mc: the Sherlock books are amazing. Sherlock is super smart

Arthur: so you think I'm smart~

Mc: ... What do you have to do with Sherlock?

Arthur: ...I wrote them

Mc: didn't...didn't Sherlock write Sherlock?

She's going to hate Shakespeare honestly. The average American hates reading his plays and she's going to hear him say 5 words and then zone out because she doesn't understand a thing and decides not to try....just like in English class.

Mc: you're Sebastian?

Sebastian: yes

Mc: as in... The butler

Sebastian: *knows where she's going with this* yes

Mc: .... He's so annoying in The Little Mermaid

Sebastian: *in fact did not see that coming*

I'm not quite sure how she would be with the brothers. Lies. She wouldn't know Theo at all, and probably only knows Vincent from Starry Night. But knows his name and that one painting and nothing else.

Isaac said something math related and then she immediately decided she doesn't like him bc what average American likes math.

Jean? You mean Joan? You're trans? We're you faking it? He literally had no idea what she is talking about and she didn't know what he's talking about. Mutually confused

[decks-writing-blog]

She's Gone

Summary: Isaac has a talk with Alyx about her mother.

[A/N] Here on Tumblr I saw a post talking about how Alyx and Gordon could potentially trade stories about their time as Kleiner's pupil. Gordon was canonically his student and thus since he has teaching experience it makes sense he might've taken on the responsibility of being a teacher for Alyx as she grew up. It was a fun idea and made me want to write Kleiner and Alyx having some kind of funny school room related interaction, weather I was going to bring it back around to a flash forward of her having shared this story with Gordon, I was going to decide when I got there. But alas, I am cursed with the inability to come up with funny ideas on command. So when I was thinking about it, I came up with this idea instead. It isn't funny in the least but I wrote it anyway because it struck a cord with me.

Content Warning for grief and talk of Azian's death. Since she disappeared, it's entirely possible Alyx didn't immediately know she was dead and thus had be told.

~

In some ways having only one student was easier than a full college classroom. The 1st grade curriculum was naturally simpler for sure, making the main challenge in teaching it be having to resist the urge to go into the more complex specifics. Having only one pupil to focus on made making sure the ‘whole class’ was following along and understood everything before moving on to the next thing easy.

It was harder in other ways though. The situation with the Combine made everything more difficult. Trying to start and keep a classroom and school schedule as close to normal seeming as possible in hopes of shielding Alyx from the worst of it was uniquely stressful. Nothing in Isaac’s teaching career had prepared him for that. It didn’t help that that was actually a full-time job. But having recently volunteered to be her teacher – though really, Eli taught her plenty too just in a less structured and scheduled manner – encouraged her to ask him questions about it specifically.

“What’s the Combine?” “Why are we moving so often?” “What happened?” “Why?” “How?” “What about [friend, neighbor, or just person she’d known before the Combine invasion]?”

Naturally they couldn’t keep the truth from her even if that had been Eli’s first instinct. This was the world she was growing up in, she had to know everything eventually. But Alyx had turned five a mere week before the resonance cascade. So while Isaac never lied to her, he withheld the grisly details. The Combine were alien invaders from space. [X person from before]’s fate was a mystery, the three of them had had to move a few times already after all, it was hard to keep track of people who probably also fled. They moved so often because they were hiding from the Combine; “Yes, kind of like hide and seek but bigger and more important because they’re bad guys.”

With all this Isaac should’ve expected the question to pop up eventually; it was basically inevitable. And yet somehow it still took him by surprise when at the end of a math lesson – usually her favorite subject but today she’d been distracted – she approached him and… “What about Mommy?”

Isaac flinched, almost dropping the chalk eraser he’d just picked up. Trying to hide it, he erased the board before turning to look down at her. “What about her?” As if he had to ask.

“Where is she? Daddy said she’s gone but didn’t say where she’s gone to and he got sad when I asked so I didn’t ask that and don’t wanna ask again ‘cause it’ll make him sad again, I think. But you know, right?”

The small room they’d set up to be a makeshift classroom suddenly felt even smaller and stuffier than it had before. It wasn’t Isaac’s place to say anything about Azian. If Eli wasn’t ready to talk about her with Alyx then doing so in his stead wouldn’t be right. But at the same time Alyx deserved to know that her mother wasn’t coming back. Eli had probably tried to convey that but five-year-olds, even ones as smart as Alyx, weren’t known for picking up on subtleties. While ‘she’s gone’ would convey to most that the ‘gone’ was permanent, to a small child it would seem the same as saying ‘she’s gone to the grocery store’ just without the detail on where. She still believed she’d potentially she her mother again one day.

He could send her to ask Eli again later at which point he’d know to give a more clear answer. Or he could bring the matter to Eli himself and make it clear that Alyx needed a clearer answer. But it had only been a handful of months since the resonance cascade. The wound of Azian’s loss was still fresh, especially Eli. Mitigating the pain the conversation would cause would surely be kind, right? Eli was busy trying to gather up the Black Mesa survivors after all. Isaac didn’t want to distract him from that by reminding him of his dead wife.

And so with a sigh, Isaac pulled out his desk chair and sat down again. “Sit.” He gestured to the spot across from him. Her being his only pupil and there not being room for much else in most of the places they ended up, most of the time they shared a desk for this ‘school’ thing they were doing.

Alyx obeyed, pulling out the chair and clambering back up into it. As proof of her seriousness she didn’t even spin around in it this time before pulling herself over to the desk.

Isaac waited until she was settled in before explaining anything. Before he could figure out how to begin though, she spoke up instead. “She’s not coming back, is she?” Well, it least it wasn’t a surprise.

“Correct. She’s not coming back.”

“Why not?”

Was it better to be up front and direct with the answer or be gentle with it? … Isaac wasn’t entirely sure how to be gentle with this kind of news, straightforward was probably easiest. “She’s dead.”

Alyx stared at him in silence for a few seconds as her eyes welled with tears. “Like… like when you step on bugs and they die and stop moving and get squished with their insides all outside?”

“Yes.” Wait! Not a good thing to say as when applied to a human, that was a horrifically gory description. Oops. “Sort of anyway.” Gosh, science was much easier to navigate and discuss than personal emotional things like talking about a friend's death to her five year old kid. He should’ve sent her to Eli or insisted they talk about it as a group. “Her death probably wasn’t that bad.” That could be a lie though as they didn’t know how she died. Technically, they didn’t even know for sure that she was dead. But it was likely enough that holding out hope and/or letting Alyx continue to do so wouldn’t be wise or kind.

Alyx was full on sobbing now. Isaac opened he desk’s drawer to pull out a box of tissue – something that was quickly proving to be a rare luxury – before standing and walking around to hand to her. He then put a hand on her shoulder, that’s what helped Eli most of the time. It seemed to calm her a little too so he kept her hand there, shifting it slightly to lightly rub her back. Other than that though, he let her cry. She had a right to cry about this for however long she needed to.

It was several minutes before her sobbing finally started to peter out. Finally, when she was done, she blew her nose and sniffled before before looking back up at him. “I should’ve figured that out before, huh?”

“No, I don’t believe so. A lot’s been happening and changing. It is entirely logical you were too caught up in it all to figure that out. Especially since one wouldn’t want to consider such a thing.” And he and Eli had been trying to keep her distracted and busy.

“Is it the Combine that killed her?”

“Possibly. We’re not sure.”

Alyx nodded as if that was the exact answer she’d expected. “I don’t like them.”

“Me neither. We’re going to fight them though and we’re going to win or at the very least try our best to.” The only thing Eli cared about more than his budding efforts to build a proper resistance against the Combine was Alyx. And when Eli got dead set on something like that, things always got done. Isaac was just here to help and to get done whatever science and study he could while doing so.

“I wanna help.”

“I’m sure you’ll be a great help one day.” They couldn’t exactly pretend that she wouldn’t be part of their resistance efforts once she was older. Every single person mattered when it came to fighting a conquering alien force. “For now though, how about we practice reading until your dad gets home, huh?” Which would hopefully be soon and would hopefully be him returning with the info he’d gone after. No use dwelling on anxiety about what would happen if he didn’t.

Alyx looked up at him and sniffled one last time into a tissue before tossing it into the trashcan and turning the chair so she could slide off it. “Okay.”

[amethystina]

Your metas are as fantastic as your fics! I have two questions about the show that I'd love your input on! First what do you think You-Han thought about Ga-On in the bus scene in the first episode beside what you mentioned already? Yeah he doesn’t care for heroics much but he's also so dismissive of humanity and its cowardice and greed, and here's Ga-On risking his life twice for strangers including a criminal, doing the opposite of what people Yo-Han condemned for the fire did. Was any part of him impressed? And second, I'm confused on this, did adult Yo-Han realize that making Sun Ah jump from the window was a shit move or did he think it was ok since she was a thief and tried to set him up and he thought she likes him for his money? And did he ever realize that she had real feelings for him fucked up as they were? He's so dismissive all the time of her it's hard to say, but he also seemed to be offended when Ga-On asked if he was playing with her feelings. Thank you again you're the best.

Thank you so much! I had a lot of fun writing those metas and I'm a little sad that I haven't had the time to write more because I have so many scenes and concepts I'd like to explore. But it's difficult to find the time in between everything else.

ANYWAY. Moving on to your questions!

To be honest with you? Aside from what I've mentioned already, I don't think Yo Han felt or thought much about Ga On during that scene except how he might be useful to him. Like, sure, maybe some small part of him was impressed by Ga On's quick response, but even if he'd take note of Ga On acting unlike most people would in that situation (and unlike the people during the fire) he's also jaded enough that he'd probably explain it away as naïvité. That Ga On just doesn't know better. Or maybe even that Ga On does it because he wants to be heroic. Which obviously isn't true — Ga On's actions are genuine and not just for show or to get attention and praise from others — but Yo Han doesn't know that. Because he doesn't know Ga On at this point. So I think he's just... neutral.

Also, I think Yo Han was too busy with other things to really stop and consider his own feelings about Ga On's actions. Like, I think he focused more on "Oh, this young man is very idealistic and reckless — how can I use that?" rather than just admiring Ga On's bravery.

Like, he's already way, way past reacting to the situation and has gone straight to plotting how it can be useful to him. Especially if you consider that this is the day when his revenge plan is finally being set in motion. He's probably razor-focused on that, not Ga On or whatever he's feeling about said young man.

It's just too soon for him to see the goodness in Ga On and actually give a damn about it? (but he certainly will later — and then he'll start yearning) At this point in the story, I think Yo Han would view Ga On as any other piece on the board — and a pretty insignificant one, at that — that he simply needs to figure out and control.

Well, except for the part where he looks like Isaac xD

If Yo Han had any true emotional reaction to what Ga On did that day, it's probably directly related to Isaac, not Ga On as his own person. Because, again, Yo Han doesn't know Ga On yet. Maybe Yo Han even saw some parallels between the two in that moment, considering how heroic Isaac was during the church fire. Like, not only does Ga On have his face, but he'll brave danger to save others, too.

But, all in all, I think Yo Han just... didn't care all that much about Ga On? Or, well, he cares, of course (enough to intervene and stop the bus) but Ga On really isn't all that important to him here. So I don't think his thoughts and feelings about him were all that significant, either, except, again, in what ways Ga On might be useful to him and how he reminded him of Isaac (which Ga On would no doubt hate if he knew xD)

As for Yo Han and his relationship with Sun Ah, that's a bit trickier. Their dynamic is very, very intriguing and I can't quite decide how I want to view it, but I think I've settled on "playmates" xD

Because Sun Ah is the closest Yo Han has come to finding an equal. Someone who can understand his games, can play by his rules — but also invent her own when she feels like it — and keep him on his toes. Someone who can challenge him and push him to stretch his limits.

Which I think Yo Han found to be pretty fun at first, but he eventually realised that maybe having an equal who's exactly like you isn't necessarily a good thing — especially judging by his behaviour towards her. Like, he enjoyed their games, sure, but he didn't like when she started making assumptions, trying to weasel her way into his life, or tell him what to do.

Because that's what Yo Han does and he clearly doesn't like it when the shoe is on the other foot xD

(Like, for real: if you think about it, Sun Ah used very similar methods when she attempted to woo Yo Han as Yo Han used to woo Ga On (including the kidnapping). But those are methods that don't actually work on Yo Han because he's, well, Yo Han. They did work on Ga On, though x'D)

I do think that Yo Han was genuinely attached to Sun Ah to some degree (the moments after she shoots herself in front of him show that), but he's also pretty flippant about her feelings for him, yes. And I think that's because he thought those feelings were based on a foolish childhood obsession she couldn't let go of. Which, considering his unsentimental disposition, probably made him view them as pretty superficial. Kind of like you'd patiently nod along when a child declares that they're going to marry their cool, older cousin when they grow up? The feelings are real, but they're also founded in something that's not, so he doesn't take them all that seriously. If that makes sense?

And yes, I think that adult Yo Han intellectually knows that he shouldn't have made her jump out of that window when they were kids, but he also doesn't regret doing it x'D

Because it's all a part of the game. I mean, no matter what Sun Ah says, I don't think she jumped out of the window because she loves Yo Han — she jumped because she wanted to prove that she could. Basically calling him on what could have been a bluff, but they're both so stubborn that of course it wasn't a bluff. But she couldn't back down at that point, could she? She didn't want to, because that would mean he'd win and could say that she didn't love him as much as she claimed.

It's all just a big mind game, basically, where they're constantly trying to outsmart each other and call each other's bluffs.

Even the part where he's so dismissive of her feelings, I'd argue. Because, clearly, she enjoys chasing him and so the fun would end if he gave her what she wants. He's playing hard to get, basically, just because he can. Just because he wants to see what will happen if he does.

Which I think is why he reacts the way he does when Ga On questions him, because Ga On clearly doesn't understand the rules of the game. If Sun Ah didn't want Yo Han to use her feelings against her, she shouldn't have given him that as a tool for him to use. And she's smart enough that she wouldn't do something like that by mistake so that's basically permission in Yo Han's eyes. Nothing is sacred, and all that.

But, at the core of it, I also think that Yo Han's dismissiveness comes from the fact that he doesn't actually want her the way she wants him. He never did. He finds her entertaining and probably feels a certain kinship to her since she, again, is the closest he's found to an equal — someone just like him — but that's not as important to him. He's more focused on his revenge and taking care of Elijah (and securing himself a doe-eyed sugar baby). So yes, he likes the games and the challenge she presents, but she's not what he's looking for.

And he kind of gives up on that whole thing entirely after she killed K, threatened to kill Ga On, and just threatened Elijah in general. That's when things stopped being fun and there's no coming back from that.

Basically, I think that Yo Han and Sun Ah are very similar in how they think and behave and while that makes them equals in many ways — and means they can play a game that is quite literally on another plane than we mere mortals may understand — that's also their downfall. It would never actually work between the two of them because they're too similar. The push-and-pull would never end and, sooner or later, they'd tear each other apart.

If you compare Sun Ah with Ga On (because of course we have to) he manages the most vital part — which is to challenge Yo Han intellectually — but is also caring and responsible enough to back down when things are about to escalate beyond what's manageable. He'll go soft and warm and basically ask: "Is this really what you want?" And, sometimes, Yo Han actually seems to realise that "Uh, no, it's actually not. Let's try that again."

Which makes a huge difference not only for the longevity of their relationship, but also how much Yo Han ends up wanting it. Because, clearly, despite all the darkness and sharp edges, he does want love and softness. And, deep down, I think some part of him always knew that Sun Ah couldn't give him that — but Ga On can. And so that's who he chooses to woo.

(not me turning almost every ask into an opportunity to gush about Yo Han and Ga On and how they're perfect for each other)

ANYHOW. I hope that answers your question on some level? Tbh Yo Han and Sun Ah's relationship has too many nuances for me to sufficiently summarise it here (much like Yo Han and Ga On's relationship) but my suggestion is to see them as playmates. Like, just assume that almost all of it is a part of them trying to outsmart each other. And there are no rules because they're both certifiably unhinged.

So yeah! Thank you so much for asking! Though I must say: it might just go to my head if people keep asking me for my opinion on stuff like this. Like, does this mean my opinions actually matter? Oh my xD

Take care, darling 💜

[universallychaoticpan]

Hey! Can I request some comfort/fluff with Isaac foster and a transmale reader going through a PTSD episode related to a fire? If not just some issac and transmale reader fluff please -🐍

I'm sorry if this isn't entirely what you were expecting, but I hope you enjoy this attempt to get back into writing- and thank you always for your patience and support.

Issac was not comforting by nature.

It simply wasn't who he was. Any reasonable person could see why- abused, left alone in the world, seen as a monster...well, there was not short list of reasons why he was the way he was.

But that didn't mean he didn't care.

Actually, despite how much it enraged him at times, despite how annoying it was, he cared about you.

You were...tolerable. Yeah. Tolerable. Between you, the creepy doctor, and the little necrophiliac, he'd pick you every time. He liked you- you could make him laugh, you went along with and stoked his 'creative flare' (which most of the time meant being creepy little shits together.) But he liked you a lot; as much as he might like too, he couldn't deny that.

He knew you better than anyone. Given the limited company you both kept, the competition wasn't exactly stiff, but hey, it had to count for something. It had taken him months to remember things like your favorite color or foods, but one thing he never forgot was that you were like him:

Fire was the one thing that could stop you cold in your tracks.

Now, he never asked too many questions about it. It was another thing he appreciated about you: the two of you had an odd understanding that stories were hard. The past was painful enough without dredging it up all the time, so the two of you never felt the need or desire to dig too deep. He didn't know why you hated fire- he didn't need to know.

All he knew was that the one person in the world he could admit to caring for was staring off into space with glassy eyes so far away, you could've been in another universe entirely.

Isaac Foster was not comforting by nature, but sometimes he wished he was, if only for your sake.

He didn't have the words to comfort you; there was nothing he could say that would bring you back to earth. But he stayed with you as you sat in the grimy hallways of the nightmarish complex you called home, stayed close, scythe nearby in a constant promise of protection. He would protect you- he had your back. You knew that just like you knew your name, your real name, or that the sky was blue the last day you'd seen it. He stayed with you and you were grateful- it really was simple as that at times. He brushed soot and ash from your cropped hair, muttering about needing to cut your hair again soon. He talked to himself, filling the silence, never once forcing you to pick up the silences. Issac did what no one in your life did before him- he stayed.

Issac Foster was not a comforting person by nature. But when he looked at your sleeping face, finally peaceful, he wondered if he could ever be something different.

He wondered if he could change if it was for you.

[dysthanasia-series]

Thin Edge of a Wedge Pt. 1

Summary: Isaac approaches Renato with a surprising request. (Possible future scene taking place shortly after Phagophobia, based loosely on this prompt.)

Words: 2,075

Content Advisory: Sexual themes and situations, consensual vampire hypnosis, angry sexual tension, enemies-to-forced-allies-to-lovers, swearing, kissing, biting, consensual blood-drinking, violent vampire feeding thoughts, enthusiastic consent, fade-to-black ending

Renato turned his head and leaned in a fraction as if his hearing had failed him. “I’m sorry. I thought you said—”

“Hypnotize me. Dorian says it’s possible to learn how to break out of bloodborn trances with practice. So, help me train.” Despite the direct words and his matter-of-fact tone, Soto kept his gaze—usually so bold, so sharp—trained on a far corner of the motel room. An arm crossed over his middle, gripping the opposite as he sat on one of the two shabby beds.

While his body already knew which way to cast its vote, Renato’s finer faculties hesitated. “What prompted this?”

“Hm, gosh, let me think. Oh, right. We’re surrounded by Unseen Hand agents who’d love to stab us in the back.”

“Are you implying you could get lost in another bloodborn’s eyes? Agent Soto, you wound me.”

“Can you give being an asshole a rest for, like, half a second? I’m serious.”

It wasn’t an unreasonable request, truth be told. Quite pragmatic really. Possibly even laudable, given all Soto had recently suffered—no small amount of which sat at the top of Renato’s ever-growing list of mistakes.

That’s precisely what made it so suspicious.

Renato took a seat on the bed across from Soto’s, the rickety frame squeaking as he crossed his legs and leaned back on both hands. “You didn’t have a problem snapping out of my hypnosis the first time. And you seem to have at least some level of immunity to Kinslayer’s version now.”

“That’s not the same as being able to resist questioning in a casual situation I’m not expecting, or with weird soul magic involved. Like you keep pointing out, if Oleander or Motley or any of the Unseen Hand gets wind of what we’re actually up to we’re dead.”

Again, a bit of strategic paranoia worthy of an aquila. Something was definitely off.

“Fine, suppose I agree,” Renato said. “What, exactly, do you expect me to do?”

“I dunno. Ask me stuff I wouldn’t want to answer and I’ll try to resist.”

The sensible thing to do on his end was to walk away, of course. Ignore Soto and whatever strange impulse was driving him for the rest of the evening. Heaven knew there were a hundred and one tasks actually related to their survival that needed his attention.

Only none of those sent a thrill up his spine.

“Okay, let’s do it.” Renato leaned forward and put his hands on his thighs, smiling. He had enjoyed the odd sleepover party—sharing secrets, truth or dare, all that—as a child when they’d been possible. A shame Ollie wasn’t staying in the same motel. He wouldn’t have minded asking for a couple of her facial masks.

With just a trace of trepidation, Soto mirrored his posture. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath. Released it. Met Renato’s amused gaze with grave determination. “Ready.”

“What’s your name?”

A divot of annoyance appeared on Soto’s brow. “You know it already.”

“Remind me.”

“Isaac Soto Marquez,” he huffed.

“Your birthday?”

“July seventeenth. Which you also know.”

Well, he’d glanced at it in the Coven’s personal file on Soto, although that had been weeks ago. Considering Renato didn’t remember the exact date of his own birth (which might have already passed since he did know it occurred during storm season), he’d have to make a note to write Soto’s down. Get his favorite grumpy researcher a little treat. Speaking of which…

“What sort of cake do you like?”

There. Surprise smoothed out Soto’s expression. Without disapproval or anxiety etched around his mouth or eyes, it was easy to remember he was barely coming up on age thirty. “Cake? Er, tres leches. With fruit on top, not cinnamon.”

“What kind of fruit is your favorite?”

Shoulders relaxed. Pupils dilated slightly. “Well, uh, I like summer ones the most. You know, mangoes, cherries, peaches.” A pause. “That last one’s my favorite, though. I love peaches. Even from a can.”

“Really? I used to love oranges, though of course I can only enjoy them for their smell now. Some of my best memories are of stopping at ports with orchards so I could pick some.” Renato smiled, earning a shy one in return. “Have you ever eaten fruit straight from the tree or vine, Agent Soto?”

“I…yeah. Yeah, a lot of the werecreature communities I’ve visited have gardens. And I did the whole picking strawberries thing during the spring once with Jeremy.” A soft, faraway sheen shone over dark brown eyes.

Renato ran his tongue along the back of one fang. He had Soto now. While their little game hadn’t been Renato’s idea initially, he wasn’t sorry he’d played, whatever the true stakes. “Who’s Jeremy?”

Creaking as weight shifted the other bed. “My ex.”

Careful. The trick was not to let the prey become too distressed. To give him a little guiding nudge here and there along the path, but to always keep him going with the flow of conversation, not against. Not until the trap had sprung and it was too late. “I see. How many relationships have you had, Agent Soto?”

“Just two. Long term ones.”

“Oh, that’s hardly anything to be embarrassed over.” He had one more than Renato under his belt, after all. And, well, he doubted Soto could have done any worse than Ollie and him had. “Even if you’d had hundreds that didn’t last past sunrise it still wouldn’t be.”

“I know. I guess…sometimes I wish I’d been more aggressive or outgoing or whatever. Elfy always gets pissed when we go out and I turn someone down.”

“Elfy? Your friend from the spirits department?”

“Yeah. She’s always telling me to loosen up and stop thinking with the head on my shoulders so much.” A hand flew up to cover a giggle.

As far as life’s little delights went, Renato ranked witnessing the angriest, most stubborn human he’d ever met giggle just below watching his aquarium. “But that’s not really your style?”

“Nope.” A twitch of the fingers, flicker in the eyes. “Well, okay, once in a while—when I’m really drunk—it is.”

This entire situation came into sudden, cold focus. Decades of training kept Renato’s expression, his mask, from slipping, though. “Would you say you’re bashful when it comes to flirting?” He had certainly read Soto that way during their fateful first meeting at that diner. Though he’d swiftly shed whatever reservations he’d had once they crawled into the backseat of the car.

“Mm. Not really. Not after I get what’s going on.”

“No? High standards maybe?”

“Don’t think so. I don’t have a…a type or whatever.”

“Perhaps you have a hard time surrendering control then?”

Another fidgeting ripple disturbed Soto’s reverie. “I…something like that.”

“Is that why you asked me to hypnotize you, Agent Soto? To surrender control?”

With a jerk, his flustered prey wrenched his gaze away, half-collapsing onto the mattress. Soto panted, his skin gleaming from a light coating of sweat, like he’d just finished running a lap. The tart, candy-apple scent of fear wafted over to Renato, prompting a flood of saliva. Swallowing, he let his lips twist into a smirk.

“That’s a failing grade, as far as I’m concerned.”

“What…?”

“Your tactics could use some work,” Renato continued, uncrossing his legs and rising in one smooth, dignified motion. “Also, I don’t appreciate being subjected to hidden tests. I may not have made the best choices in life, but I’m not so despicable as to ravish someone under the influence either.”

Blinking owlishly but stare quite clear, Soto whipped around to gawp at him. “What do you—”

“Good night, Agent Soto.” He could understand, at last, why Ollie and his reluctant human roommate relished their perches atop a high horse. The rush of victory was amazing as he spun on his heel and strode toward the room’s door.

The sound of grating bedsprings warned him before a hand latched onto the back of his shirt. With a deft turn and shrug, Renato broke the laughable hold on him.

“What the hell—” Soto began.

“I understand the need to hold a grudge.”

“—do you mean—”

“What I don’t get is digging for more reasons to fuel it.”

“—by ravish?”

They stared each other down. Any possibility of hypnosis taking hold tore apart in the clashing currents of hot and cold fury radiating between them.

“I wasn’t testing you,” Soto said, breaking first.

“Oh, really? Please do explain. I’m all ears, as they say.”

“I told you, I want to learn—”

“You’re terrible at lying, Agent Soto. Even to yourself.”

He bristled, the all too familiar defiance setting his jaw and sparking in his eyes. “I’m not—”

Renato whirled and reached for the doorknob.

Weak human fingers scrabbled at him once more. “I don’t know how else to talk to you, all right? And I didn’t think you’d pry into my love life, for fuck’s sake!”

The truth at last. Instead of melting, the rage inside of him expanded, sinking fresh, keen icicles deeper into his chest.

Of course Soto couldn’t simply talk to him. Renato was a bloodborn. Worse, he was an aquila. He wasn’t capable of human mistakes. Or emotions like remorse. At best, he could pretend he was. Wear a charming disguise. Beguile. Lure. Distract. But never offer anything permanent. Never anything real.

“Say something already!” The grip on his shirt tugged. “Don’t give me this silent treatment bullshit.”

Whatever mask had settled over his features made Soto let go and take a step back when he turned.

“Do you want me to make you lose control, Isaac?”

Soto stiffened. It didn’t hide the tremor in his limbs. “You conceited prick.”

“Isaac.” He’d forgotten how good the name felt in his mouth. “It’s a yes or no question.”

Narrowed brown eyes spat death curses at him before darting away again. Soto’s tightened lips parted. No sound came forth. They sealed shut again.

Renato sighed. “You’re a bad liar, but I never took you for a coward when it came to being honest.”

He could have dodged, easily. Instead, he allowed Soto to grab his shoulders and bring their mouths crashing together. Let him decide, too, when to break away and stagger back, chest heaving, stare wide at his own daring.

“That’s not an answer, Isaac.”

“You—!”

Renato slipped one hand around the back of Soto’s head, weaving his fingers into careless black curls but not pulling. Not yet. The other cupped Soto’s jaw, pleasantly rough and raspy from a couple day’s worth of stubble. With his thumb Renato wiped the frown from his lips.

“Yes or no.”

Soto closed his eyes, but it was already too late to hide anything going on behind them. A half-choked swallow made his throat flex in the most enticing way. “I…yes. Yes, okay? I want it.”

It. He wanted it, nothing more. Of course. Still, Renato could do better than a grudging confession.

His hand went from cradling Soto’s face to tearing open his shirt—the shirt always fucking buttoned up to the collar. He should have been a priest, truly. Soto gasped from the sudden violence or the air hitting his exposed shoulder and chest or both. Not giving him a chance to recover, Renato leaned in and started sucking on every bit of bared skin he could get at. Not biting, no, never that again, no matter how much he wanted to chew and rip until Soto’s pulse burst in his mouth like a ripe slice of orange. He only let his throbbing fangs graze over warm flesh, press against it to leave imprints of his teeth behind. Maybe prick it here and there so his tongue could lave over the precious ruby beads of blood afterwards. Savor each tiny shock that shot through him and made the world’s colors scintillate for an instant. Soto threw his arms around Renato to stay standing. Each sharp kiss drew a new, delightful prey noise from him.

He was even more intoxicating than memory served.

Pulling back, Renato inspected his work. Half a dozen little reddish-brown bruises trailed from Soto’s neck and skimmed along just above the curve of his collarbone. A satisfactory start.

“Yes?” Renato prompted again.

Eyes still shut, Soto shivered. “Yes.”

Much, much better. Smiling, Renato guided his willing victim back a pace and shoved him onto the nearest bed.

[avocado-frog]

So guess whose got 3,500 words that are just notes for One chapter

[honeybunniii333]

GENO ANGST :00 ( or geno and Edward fluff, whatever you choose )

I had an idea of geno having a panic attack in class but I wanna see what you would write abt him.

(YESSS, I love them so much. It's a crime that there isn't more for them! Siblings dynamics are a soft spot for me. ♡)

To say Edward was feeling guilty would be an understatement. He had committed the awfullest of awful things. He'd made his baby brother cry, and oh boy, was it eating him alive. Sure, he teased Geno like any other older sibling, but he truly adored the little brat, and genuinely hurting his brothers' feelings was something the jock would NEVER do on purpose. He was stressed out majorly, which was NOT an excuse, but still. Everything had been so chaotic. James was acting off. He had a big test to study for, Isaac was being isaac. So many supernatural related things had been happening, and don't even get him started on Felix and his shit! Ed was beyond overstimulated at the moment. He'd snapped, and he'd shouted at the boy. Which was something Ed never did. Ed yelled a lot, but never at Geno. He prided himself on his immense patience when it came to the little rascal... but he'd broken that streak... and over the stupidest of things, Geno had just wanted to play with him...

"Geno, I don't have time..." he'd warned in a tone that usually got the message across that he was too stressed or upset to talk. But the kid had pushed further, clearly desperate for his attention. "You never have time! Come on, just a game or two! I'm bored!!" he'd complained in that whiny voice Ed usually found annoyingly endearing but at that moment had made him want to rip his hair out. Everything had made him want to rip his hair out. The sound of faint construction happening down the street and the soft whirl of his fan were too loud for him. The feeling of his shirt against his skin made him want to set himself on fire, and the room had been too bright even with just the sun from the window to light it. He just couldn't handle it right then, but words had never been his strong suit, ESPECIALLY in moments like then. "Geno..." he'd warned again. "Come on, come on, come onnnnnn-"

"STOP! GOD FUCKING STOP!" He'd slammed his hand down on his desk as he'd glared daggers at the other. "GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE! WHAT PART OF THAT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND!? YOU ARE SUCH A PEST!" He'd shouted. Geno had looked astonished for a moment. His eyes were wide, and jaw slacked before his little mouth started to quiver, and his eyes started filling with tears. Ed had been so overwhelmed that all he'd been able to do was turn the away again in his seat, close his eyes and press his palms into them as he tried desperately to tune everything out around him. It wasn't until he'd finally managed to get his bearings that he'd really realized how harsh he'd been. And now he'd been sitting by the younger boys' door, trying to figure out how to express how bad he felt. Geno was still sniffling, and the noise wasn't helping him at all... He knew he was just stalling because he didn't want to see the red tear stained face his brother always had after crying.. but he also knew nothing would be resolved if he stayed there. So... he forced himself up and knocked as he peeked his head in. "Geno... can we talk, please?"

The kid was curled up under his blankets. The superhero patterned comforter, shielding his tiny body from the other. Ed knew the feeling of faint relief at not having to see the hurt he'd caused was selfish, but it was there regardless. "...ok.." his voice was crackly from crying, and Ed forced himself forward once again, moving to seat himself at the end of the bed to give the other space if he wanted it. He was silent for a moment before taking a deep breath in and letting it out to steel his nerves. "...I'm sorry I yelled at you." he started,"I shouldn't have done that, we don't yell at each other, and that wasn't okay."

He watched the lump of blanket shift before half of genos face peeked out. "... why did you yell at me?" He asked cautiously, he didn't understand. He pestered his big brother like that all the time, and it never triggered such a harsh reaction. At the worst, he'd be gently booted out of his room and banished to the hallway... Edward didn't know how to explain it. He didn't know why he got so overwhelmed sometimes... he just did. But he'd made a vow to himself that when his baby brother asked him a question, Ed would answer it. He wouldn't sugar coat it or dance around it. He'd always tell him the truth in as age appropriate language as possible. Because Geno was smart and he needed to know things. "...I was overwhelmed." he answered, fiddling with the hem of his shirt as he fished for words. "I've been... really stressed lately. There's a lot of stuff happening right now, and I've been pushing through it fine.. but I guess today... I just can't." he admitted running a hand through his own hair as he heard Geno shuffling again. He'd come out of his hiding spot, his knees hugged to his chest. "Is that why you're never home, cause of the stuff?" He asked.

"Yeah... cause of the stuff..." Ed mumbled back. "I'm sorry too..." Geno whispered his voice quiet as he wiped at his eyes. "What for?" Ed raised an eyebrow. "For pushing when I knew you were busy. I know you're in high school, and you have a lot of stuff to do.. but I miss you... you're always busy now... you never have time to play anymore." he admitted. Ed hadn't thought about that... how he'd been home less and less, and brushing geno off more and more. He always tried to make time to play with Geno, at least on weekends, if anything... but he'd not been doing a very good job at that lately. "I..." his attention shot back to his little brother again at the sound of the boy's voice cracking. "I'm not a..actually a pest, am i?" he croaked out, trying to wipe away the tears that spilled once more.

Edward's face twisted into a frown, shushing the other gently as he scooped him up and moved to sit with him in his lap, his arms wrapped tight around his poor baby brother. "Shhh..sh sh sh... of course not Genie... you're my little buddy, I love having you around..." he insisted, "I...I'm sorry I haven't been home much, I'll...try and cut back on some stuff, okay? I think I need it..." he spoke softly and let out a sigh. They sat in silence for a long time. Genos tears turning to faint sniffles as his brother rubbed his back. "You wanted to play that new game you got, right?" Ed voice broke the silence. "Yeah..." he mumbled, moving around a little to look up at the older. "Wanna play a couple rounds?" relief flooded Ed at the way Genos face immediately lighted up. "Yeah!"

He couldn't help but giggle at the enthusiasm as he was quickly yanked up off the bed and tugged towards the door "Okay okay I'm comin, relax." he snorted, His little brother could be a pain sometimes, but it was a pain Edward couldn't possibly live without.

[gelatomesomeironqrow]

I'm not sure if I already made a blog post about characters I believe to be part of the Asexual/Aromantic spectrum community but I'm bored and AO3 is down and I have a headache so I can't even attempt to write any of my fanfictions like I want to so here we go.

Starting off with my baby.

Ikkaku Madarame. I personally headcanon this wonderful man to be Demisexual. I would say he is aromantic but honestly I feel like a man who writes poetry. Yes, he writes poetry, and makes accessories for children, has a romantic side.

In the anime he has not once expressed interest in anyone, be it the most attractive woman or man, and yet... he is so in tune with Yumichika that he can recognize his laughter from across a battlefield while in the midst of a fight. So, yes, he is demi for Yumichika. The only one who he fully trusts and respects, such is the ways of a Demisexual.

Moving on from this wonderful specimen of a man... we enter the world of dreams.

Yes. Dream of the Endless. The man of everyone's dreams and nightmares. The dude is so much of a Demisexual that it took thousands of years for him to even admit to himself that Hodge is his friend, let alone the potential of a future love interest. Yes. I know he has had romantic relationships in the past, and that he had a kid with a gorgeous woman. Demis still have sex. He trusted her enough that he came to her aid to save her. He just wants intimacy with someone but it takes him forever to trust and let someone in.

Also, the dude has canonically turned into a black cat. Cats don't trust as easily as dogs.

Anyways. Moving on to a character that is canonically AroAce.

Isaac Henderson and this other kid that I don't know if we ever got a name from.

I, too, would prefer books over being in a relationship but alas... with my personal health issues, I need someone to be somewhat intimate with.

Now... I have watched many, many shows and movies and I try to find myself in so many of them. I know. Weird. Trying to find relation in entertainment to better enjoy something. I can still watch and read things if I don't have someone like myself in there. Anyways...

Going into the world of MDZS.

Nie Huaisang.

This man is 100% an Asexual who thrives on finding queer platonic friendships.

Also. The guy has hyperfixations in birds, fans, art, and getting revenge for his older brother's murder.

I love him. I can relate with hyperfixating, I cannot relate in the art of revenge. His level of dedication is unmatched.

Moving on.

Arcane is something I'm currently obsessing over so... let's dive into the world of headcanons since everyone has a million and no one knows for sure what is Canon.

Viktor. My man. The Jesus of Hextech.

It took getting rid of his emotions to realize that Jayce was the only one he ever wanted but it was too late. Such a doomed situationship. Anyways. I think of him as an asexual who valued companionship and wanted that intimacy. Again. With Jayce. The himbo who didn't realize what he lost until he lost it twice.

Hot take... and I could be completely wrong... but Jinx, herself.

I think if it came down to it. She would have sex but she hates physical intimacy. To the point where the only ones she willingly ever approached for human contact were Vi, Isha, Vander and Silco. Her found family that she had no romantic or sexual feelings for. I know alot of people ship her and Ekko. I can see it. But the girl is traumatized and has so many mental health problems. Maybe more of a Gray ace/Aego spectrum?

Speaking of. Let's talk about Silco.

I think he would be Asexual. Similar to Jinx if I'm being honest. He would be open to that level of intimacy, with the right people. But he has never had that kind of connection with anyone besides, possibly Vander. But... that situationship ended in tragedy and bitter feelings so... yep. Welcome to the Ace community, my love.

Ignoring that and moving on...

RWBY.

Miss Ruby herself.

Honestly. She needs that level of connection and trust before she would even consider that form of intimacy. If she ever thought about it. Which. I don't think she does.

Ending with my main girl... Neopolitan, would be a Demiromantic Ace. She has romantic feelings for Torchwick. But that's it. Girl really chose to become one with a mystical tree so she could finally move on from him.

There are plenty of more. Penny Polendina from RWBY. Castiel from Supernatural. The only one confirmed on this list is Isaac but, I mean. Come on. Look at all these neurodivergent, lovely people and tell me otherwise.

[heartslobbf]

i watched heartstopper s2 because i was an avid osemanverse enjoyer in my early teen years (back when alice oseman still had anons on rip) and owe some of my aspec self-discovery to their writing. i knew they had written an aroace storyline into this series and wanted to see it because whilst i knew as an aroallo lesbian i wouldn’t totally resonate and might be a bit cheesed off by aspects of it, i enjoy aromantic crumbs, and i enjoy discussing aspec Stuff even more. it was……. an interesting experience? has certainly given me a lot to think about. gushy rant below the cut :)

i will say, i think that the amatonormativity is still strong, and rigid in this show. it’s like, isaac is the exception to the rule and his true love is books, and he gets to yell at his friends for all being so damn couple-y and romance-obsessed but there’s no resolution to that. is that realistic? yeah, sure, allo friends can fucking suck, but heartstopper is the kind of show aiming to do certain things for queer kids where id expect a dialogue about this. you know, charlie & co coming to understand aspec identities and becoming more conscious of how amatonormativity affects them, interrogating it in such a way that these queer couples can also be liberated from its trappings. juicy shit like that. didnt happen tho. isaac gets a book about asexuality (no mention of aromanticism on its cover!!! the word is used by the artist who vaguely explains both terms to isaac, but there is a much greater focus on asexuality, so much so that this morning i saw pink fucking news celebrating isaac’s asexual storyline without a mention of his aromanticism) and that’s it.

a lot of that criticism is arguably coloured by my experience as an aroallo person, because i just want aromanticism to be engaged with as aromanticism. you know aroaces we are besties in arms solidarity and all that, and im so fucking happy you got some great asexual rep that frequently used the word asexual, as well as your flag and iconography. like fuck yeah!!!!!! let’s go!!!!!! however, aromanticism is not a subset of asexuality, is not an ‘extreme form’ of asexuality, does not necessarily have anything to do with asexuality. im sure the aspec folks know this, but allo fuckers dont and that means that this canonically aromantic character who was emotionally affecting to me is one that im gonna be barred from resonating with again and again.

you know, moments of isaac’s story were so profound and moving for me. i cried at the kiss scene in episode 5, it was probably the single most relatable moment of tv (related to my experiences with sexuality) that ive ever seen. its certainly not my favourite tv moment of all time lol, relatability ≠ quality, but when youre part of a marginalised group and experience a lot of loneliness and alienation surrounding your identity it is great to see it reflected. i honestly loved that shit!!!!! ive been there!!!! that’s me!!!!!! the wanting and the not wanting!!! the jealousy and confusion and alienation, the longing to be able to feel what you can’t just so you don’t have to be so lonely, the knowledge that you’re just not that person…… oh it was great. it was fucking great. so you can maybe appreciate how upsetting it is for other people to neglect the aromantic facets of this canonically aromantic character, when we dont get shit.

having said that, asexuals also dont get shit; my issue is absolutely not with isaac being aroace, but rather with how mainstream understanding of aspec identities is still so piss poor that people neglect the aromantic aspect of that identity. i found isaac to be a relatable character and i enjoyed and appreciated that about him; i wish more people would talk about him being both asexual and aromantic, because aromanticism does not get talked about enough as anything other than an ‘extension’ of asexuality, an idea which only diminishes the complexity and vastness of both (fucking awesome and beautiful) identities. love and light and solidarity forever with all other aspec folk <3

[ak-harper-loves-fiction]

A short story I wrote that relates to my book

So, the book I'm writing is called From Then and Back Again, but I don't get to cover as much of my characters' lore in the book as I'd like. To help with this, I write short stories with them. Here's this short story I wrote with my protagonist and his friends:

Isaac taps his foot on the carpeted floor of the school library. He gazes down at the white table he is seated at with three empty plastic chairs around it. The only thing on it is his stack of three books he read in the last few weeks. The library is quiet and smells of paper. Bookshelves surround the table and lights from the ceiling are bright. He pulls his phone from his pocket and checks the time. It’s three o’ five. Where’s Amber? 

He lifts his head and scans the room. All he sees are books and tables. He attempts to find the entrance but shelves block it. He looks back down and sighs. Maybe she forgot? I hope she didn’t forget. Did she have something to do and forget to tell me?

His overthinking ends when he hears Amber’s voice say: “Sorry we’re late.”

“We’re?” he asks. Then he looks up and sees Theo standing next to Amber. His arms are crossed and he is staring off into the distance.

“He didn’t wanna come,” Amber explains as she takes a seat and places her backpack on the floor. “I convinced him.”

Theo lets his bag fall off of his shoulders, unenthusiastically pulls his chair out, and sits down as well. “More like coerced,” he grumbles, his voice filled with contempt.

Isaac frowns and looks at Amber. “What did you do?”

She lets out a laugh as she pulls her books out of her bag. “I told him if he didn’t come, I would call him Teddy for the rest of time.” 

“Which is vile,” Theo accuses while giving her the middle finger. 

Isaac smirks. “Okay…Te-”

Theo interrupts him while cracking his knuckles. “You finish your verbal sentence and I’ll finish my prison sentence when I get assault charges for beating the living shit out of you.”

“Okay, okay,” Isaac relents with his hands up in surrender. 

“I think he doesn’t like being called Teddy,” Amber observes sarcastically while scratching her chin.

“Really?” Isaac plays along and covers his mouth with his hand. “I thought he was always this aggressive.”

Theo lets out a loud groan and facepalms. “If you both don’t start talking about whatever historical fiction you guys read, I’m gonna kick you into history.”

“Fine, Boy Genius,” Amber sighs. “Have it your way.”

“So Amber,” Isaac starts. “What books did you read?”

She looks through her book stack. “Since we’re on historical fiction, I did read Lines of Courage by Jennifer Nielson.” She holds up the book to show the cover.

“I’ve been wanting to read that for a while. Is it any good?”

“Yeah. I just wish the author didn’t give us so much time to get to know Felix just to change the perspective.” She pauses to look at her hands, then continues: “I love rotating perspectives, but I think there were too big of gaps.”

Isaac nods. “That makes sense. I didn’t read any historical fiction, however, the rotating perspectives reminded me of this book I read a while ago called-”

“Uggggghhh,” Theo interjects and buries his head in his hands. “This is so boring. Is this all you guys do here?”

Amber crosses her arms and stares at him. “Yeah, it’s called ‘Book Club’ for a reason.”

“Tsch, don’t you dare shame me for ruining the club meeting when I never wanted to come in the first place-”

“Hey, hey,” Isaac interrupts as he claps to get their attention. “There has to be something you like to read, dude. There’s so many different genres. I’m sure we can find you something.” He turns to Amber. “Don’t’cha think?”

Amber rests her head on her fist. “All this nerd seems to like is random movies and engineering.”

Theo frowns at her. “They’re not rando-”

“Wait,” Isaac interrupts once more, his eyes growing wide. “I think I got it!”

“Got what?” Amber asks and looks at Theo who shrugs. “Did we miss something?”

Isaac looks around the library. “Theo, you like Star Trek, am I right?”

“Uh, yeah,” Theo answers like it’s obvious. “We’ve watched several episodes together-”

“Do you wanna try reading sci-fi?”

Theo puts his hands on his hips. “I can’t base a wholeass genre off of one show.”

“But you can give the genre a shot,” Isaac suggests with a smile as he stands up. “C’mon, please.”

Amber stands up as well and high-fives Isaac. “Nice!” She turns back to Theo. “This might be the solution to your anti-book problem, Boy Genius. You like science. You might not like fiction, but maybe science fiction.”

Theo remains seated. “But what about your little book talk, or whatever you weirdos call it?”

“We can finish it next meeting,” Amber replies with a grin. “You know, the meeting you’re also coming to.”

“Fuck you.” 

“As if!”

Rolling his eyes, Theo stands up. “Where exactly is the sci-fi section?”

“Here,” Isaac says as he begins walking and the other two follow. Once they reach the aisle, he adds: “I should probably look for one myself. It’s similar enough to fantasy, I guess.”

Amber shakes her head. “You and your fantasy.”

“Found one,” Theo announces and pulls a book off the shelf.

“Did you just pick a random one?” Amber questions with a scoff.

“Yeah, and I don’t give a fuck. Reading the inside cover gives spoilers.”

“You’re so weird.”

Isaac nods. “Huh, interesting. Might do that too.” He looks away, reaches his hand at the shelf, and pulls a book off of it. “Should we go check them out?”

“I don’t see why not,” Theo responds. 

“I don’t understand either of you,” Amber mumbles. She starts walking off and says: “I’ll be at the table, dorks.” 

Isaac and Theo make eye contact, shrug, and go to the front desk. They check out their books and meet Amber back at the table. 

“I don’t think I’ll be able to partake in discussion,” Theo states as he sits down. “I have no idea what happens in this book.”

“You would have some idea if you read the inside cover,” Amber answers with a slight smile. 

“Touché.” 

“I mean, we could just read,” Isaac observes. 

“Hm,” Amber ponders and gazes off. She then closes her eyes and puts her hands up in defense: “That’s only if you wanna save Theo’s anti-book ass-”

“Please save my anti-book ass,” Theo begs with clasped hands. 

Amber shoots Isaac a look of questioning. “Up to you, Boss.”

Isaac sighs. “Let’s save his ass.”

“Okay.”

“Yay,” Theo celebrates and pumps his fists.

“Only if you promise to actually read, though,” Isaac adds while pointing at Theo. 

“Fine.”

Amber takes out her book. “Alright everyone, shut up and read.”